Finding Home

Hello All (or Few),

When I last left off, I was newly married and still buzzing about our wedding and honeymoon.  Nine months on, I'm nearly out of the newlywed phase of our marriage and though the buzz of the wedding has faded a bit, whenever I think about that weekend or see pictures, I can't help but smile because it truly was one of the best times of my life and we were so blessed to have so many people from Australia and the U.S. there to celebrate with us.

I can't believe how quickly the time has flown by!  I feel like a lot has happened and like not a lot has changed...(I feel like anyone reading this probably knows me and so this rundown will be old news so skip ahead if you'd like to)

-At Christmas, we adopted two rescue dogs- Diggie and Kona.  They are a lot of hard work and generally pains in our asses, but I love having them.  They bring a lot of joy to our lives and make our house feel like home and like MOTH and I have started a real, little family.

 Bruno now named Diggie.

Kona's name was Jazzy.  Here she is with the wonderful lady who rescued her.

-MOTH celebrated his 30th in March.  We rented a beach house for the weekend and all of our friends stayed over with us.

-We are both still at our same jobs.  I got a (temporary?) promotion (still waiting on the raise portion of it, though, so essentially doing more work and have more responsibility for same, meagre pay).  In talks with my boss now whether I like the role and want to stay in it or whether I want to go back to more student services involvement.  She is away for three weeks starting today so I am in charge of the office.  My sister called me a dictator and I think Little D the Dictator has a nice ring to it!  The commute is killing me still and a lot of the time on the weekend I feel like I just want to hang at home to recover from the week.  We are thinking that we will move a bit closer to the city at Christmas time when our current lease is up.

-In about 2.5 months we are headed to South Africa to visit my sister and do some travelling with my parents and some of their friends from their neighborhood.  I can not wait to go!  I've been wanting to go back to Africa for 11 years now, ever since I left Kenya after a graduation trip I took there with my family and a bunch of family friends.  We are spending a few nights in Cape Town and are going to see the area where Nae and her boyfriend, PB&J, live, go to the top of Table Mountain and out to Robben Island, and visit the penguins.  We are then going to drive through the wine country to Mossel Bay where we will stay a few nights with PB&J's parents and hopefully shark dive and visit Cango Wildlife Ranch where we will be able to pet cheetahs and tigers (obviously not native) and ride ostriches.  From there we will go to J-Bay, a world famous surf spot, for the night and then head to Port Elizabeth where we will make our way by boat up a river to a private game reserve and we will be on safari for 4 days there.  Following that, we will fly to Jo-burg for a night for a morning flight to Zimbabwe where we hope to do a walk with lions and where we will visit Victoria Falls.  Typing that out, I get even more excited as it sounds like such an incredible adventure and I'm so lucky to be experiencing it soon.  We have no idea what to do with the dogs, though, so that is causing a bit of stress.  MOTH's parents aren't really dog people.  They said they'd take the dogs, but they wouldn't walk them and with us being away for 16 days, I don't think that's right.  His brother can't take them either because his yard does not have a fence.  The place we boarded them at for the weekend of MOTH's birthday is great but is $50 a calendar day per dog so we'd be looking at $1800 for them to stay there (I can do math-we'd have to drop them off the day before we leave and wouldn't get home in time to pick them up before the place closes the day we land in Sydney so they'd be there for 18 calendar days).  We are hoping one of his cousins will come through and want to house sit for us.  We'd pay them a decent amount, but still save considerably from the $1800 for the boarding place.  At the end of the day, though, we will spend that money if need be because they will get fed twice a day, get walked twice a day, and live in a nice area with other dogs to play with.

-Because we have not taken any leave since we got back from the wedding and because I was only allowed to take 2 weeks off for the South Africa trip (against Aussie law, but I won't get in to all that here) we will have a decent amount of leave accrued for next year.  We are hoping to go to Oahu/Kauai/one other island for my 30th at the end of February and beginning of March and then go back to CA to celebrate my Mom's 60th at the end of June/beginning of July.  I can't wait to get back to CA and can't believe that trip is still nearly a year away.

Anyway, that's the general update.  I didn't add it to the list above because it is still in the conceptual phase, but we are moving back to California.  This probably won't be for about two years and there are a million things we need to do and figure out before then (ex. me file my US taxes for the time I've been here, save lots of money, figure out whether to have a baby here or there, etc., etc.) but we are at least starting to think about these things.  I'm not sure that MOTH is ready now nor am I sure that he will ever be ready but he can see how down I am here so he is willing to take the plunge for me.

I've been in Australia just shy of 8.5 years now and I am ready to move home.  And that's the thing, for me, California is home, has always been home, and will always be home.  While I think Australia/NSW is great; I still feel like the odd man out here.  The lifestyle on the Central Coast is very different from the lifestyle I grew up with.  For a while, in my early 20s, I wanted to escape that, to experience something other than living behind the "Orange Curtain", but then my parents moved out of Orange County and up to Santa Cruz and I think I saw some of the best that California has to offer there and when MOTH and I visit them now I think to myself, "Yep, this is it."  I envy people who can make home anywhere they happen to be.  I have tried that, but for me home is where the people I love live.  And yes, I do love MOTH with most of my heart, but the other parts belong to my Mom and Dad and to my sister and to the family friends who felt like actual family growing up and I miss them and I don't like that MOTH feels like he has to make up for their absence.  It's not fair to him, but I don't think it's fair to me either to continue to live in Australia indefinitely.

I will look fondly back on my time in Australia when I get to California, I'm sure.  It might be a "grass is always greener" scenario and I'll miss Australia and want to come back or MOTH might hate living in the States after a bit so we may just end up in Australia still.  But I/we won't know that until we give it a go and move there and give ourselves time to settle in.  I have met some amazing people here and have made some lifelong friendships.  I came here with that goal of creating and maintaining healthy friendships and relationships and I am happy that I have accomplished this.  I also wanted a big adventure and for part of my time here, I feel like I did have one, but now, what was once adventure has become everyday life so I'm ready for the next chapter and for a new adventure to begin.

Until next time, whenever that may be.

In Rain and Regret

So you get another round of cheerful Little D today (sidenote: sarcasm!). Vacation posts to come soon.

You know what blog post I want to read from another expat? The post that says, "You know what? America is more awesome than Australia and I wish I could go back." It seems like everyone else thinks this place is all rainbows and puppies. How come no one writes the honest blog post that says "Today I didn't want to get out of bed because I'm sad that it's summer in the U.S. and freezing cold here and I really miss my family." You never see that post.

Well, I'm here to write it. America is better and I wish I was there right now. America has my parents. America has a higher standard of living, at least my American lifestyle did- no living in a tiny, cold shack. America has cheap baseball and movies. America has more variety. America seems to be more open minded, at least in Northern California where I'd be living does. America is bigger and has bigger things and faster things and better infrastructure.

If not for work, I'd probably not have gotten out of bed since we've been back yet. Is this fair to MOTH Dude? No, not at all. I DO realize that. I try to hide my sadness most days from him and sometimes I do a really bad job of it and I know it makes him feel bad, but I can't help it.

And, by the way, where is it written that just because we met here we have to stay here? That seems to be the consensus among his family members. I don't get the logic in that at all. MOTH Dude is a bit more open to change than they are and thank god because he'll have to be the one to move someday, not them.

We talk about moving to California or Hawaii in 5 years, but sometimes I wonder if I can make it another 5 years. It's only been about 6 and a half so far.

If I look at things objectively, I can see our 5 year plan is a good one since we both have decent paying jobs here right now and our current focus is saving as much as possible for the wedding and a down payment for a house, thus living in this crappy shack and paying the least amount of rent possible. After we get married then we'll probably take a year to just hang out and be married and then start trying for kids. I figure I should pop them out here since I can do it on the free health care system. After kid having (or shitting out kids as I lovingly refer to it), then we plan to move back to California.

I just worry we won't ever make it there. Then what will I do? I don't want to be bitter, bitchy, or angry (or crazy as my mental state from a month and a half ago shows I could easily by on my way to). I don't want to have that regret in my life, that we never moved back.

In saying that though, I don't regret moving here. I don't regret staying with MOTH Dude with the price tag of having to live here for a few more years. We've talked extensively about it and we love each other too much to walk away. Even before we were engaged we decided this.

And I know the U.S. isn't some magical land where all problems are solved and money grows on trees, or all rainbows and puppies, but I come from a really small family unit (me, Mom, Dad, Nae, and a crazy Gma a few hours away) and that's all of us there are in the world. I just don't like the feeling that I've abandoned the family for so long and I don't think growing older necessarily means you have to abandon your family. I know they don't feel abandoned, but what do you call it when you miss everyone's birthdays and all holidays and aren't ever there? I'm not a part of my family anymore except for that month a year I get to go home and I hate that feeling. My family is awesome and I want to be there for all the events, big and small. Even though our kids will have MOTH Dude's last name, I want them to know my family and be close to them because they are pretty rad. I want them to have the upbringing I had. I want them to have the privileges and experiences I had and I just don't see that happening in Australia.

Alright, so I'm feeling better now that I've spilled my heart and my guts to the internet so I'll stop now. I hope that at some point this post can help someone else, too, because they'll know they aren't alone in their craziness or sadness in missing home.