And I'm Sure the View from Heaven Beats the Hell Out of Mine Here...You Won't Be Coming Back and I Didn't Get to Say Good Bye

Very late last night/early this morning, MOTH and I got in from hanging out with our friends for the last time before we leave for the States. He had a little bit of work he wanted to finish and I wasn't tired so I decided to look at one of my wedding websites. In one of the real wedding posts, a girl had on a dress I liked so I clicked on the link to the shop where she bought it and this song came on:

I hadn't heard it in years, but it immediately reminded me of my 8th grade graduation because it was the song we walked in and out of the church to. For whatever reason it got me thinking about my friend Noah and I hadn't really thought of him in months so I tried to google his name because it used to bring up a picture of him from right before he died. Whoever used to have the picture on their blog, must have taken it down or closed their blog because it didn't come up this time so I did a general search of Noah's name and as soon as I saw the first link related to him I burst out crying. I was so freaked out because the text from the link said Noah Oct 3 1984-April 17 2002-9 years ago today! I couldn't believe the coincidence or the timing of it all. I also couldn't believe that it had been 9 whole years since we lost him.

MOTH and I stayed up even later, just lying in bed and talking about Noah and a friend MOTH had who died under similar circumstances when he was 13, and about all that lost potential and wondering what our friends would be like today had they made it to 29 and 26, rather than ending it all at 14 and 17. I still count April 18 2002 as one of the worst days of my life and even though the shock of the coincidence from this morning has left me a bit sad today, I feel like I am finally moving on from his death. The wound is no longer so fresh and raw. While I hate his decision, I realize he didn't make it in a rational or sane state of mind, and I think that I have finally accepted it and that he is gone.

Although it has taken me a long time to get to this point and it is a good place to be, now I feel a bit scared. Scared because I'm afraid of forgetting him. Scared because I'm getting older and he'll forever be 17. Scared because I'm moving forward, while he let himself get stuck in a moment. Scared because if I'm starting to forget him, who else is forgetting him or has forgotten him already? I guess I needn't be scared, though, because even if I don't think about him as often as I used to, it doesn't mean I don't love him any less than I did then and I'll always hold a piece of him in my heart. And although I totally don't believe in that kind of stuff, maybe he is looking out for me somehow and gave me a little subconscious poke that brought him in to my mind today, on this particular day of all days?

I'll leave you with a video and the lyrics to a song I used to listen to on repeat right after he died:

Yellowcard "View from Heaven"

I'm just so tired
Won't you sing me to sleep
And fly through my dreams
So I can hitch a ride with you tonight
And get away from this place
Have a new name and face
I just ain't the same without you in my life

Late night drives, all alone in my car
I can't help but start
Singing lines from all our favorite songs
And melodies in the air
Singin' life just ain't fair
Sometimes I still just can't believe you're gone

And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven,
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here

Feel your fire,
When its cold in my heart
And things sorta start
Remindin' me of my last night with you
I only need one more day
Just one more chance to say
I wish that I had gone up with you too

And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here
You won't be comin' back
And I didn't get to say goodbye (goodbye)
I really wish I got to say goodbye

And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
I hope that all is well in heaven (well in heaven)
Cuz it's all shot to hell down here (we need you)
I hope that I find you in heaven
Cuz I'm so...
Lost without you down here

You won't be coming back
And I didn't get to say goodbye (goodbye)
I really wish I got to say gooooodbye

There's a Little Black Spot on the Sun Today

Another Uncle B, Another suicide. This Uncle B was not my own, that was 2 and a half years ago now. This Uncle B is the Uncle to some good family friends. These 3 siblings have gone through a lot in the pass few years, including the loss of their mother and now they are struggling to deal with the tragic loss of their uncle. I had only met their Uncle B a few times in my life, the last I can remember at one of the college graduations and he seemed like a fun, funny, and charming man, but as his niece G explains he had been struggling with depression this past year and no one knew just how bad it had gotten.

Oh depression. My Godmother describes it as a "Beast" and what a beast it seems to be. Coming on slowly or quickly, but maybe quietly at first and then invading every part of a once happy life until there is no hope left, no joy. I can't imagine that kind of pain. I hope that I never have to experience it.

The one bright spot in all of this is the hope that Uncle B, and really all people who choose to take their life, has found peace. As my Godmother wrote, she hopes that B’s and J’s (his sister-in-law and the above mentioned mother that has passed away) "souls have somehow connected in a world beyond our understanding, and they have found a peace that seems to escape us humans here on earth." I hope that for him, as well. God rest his soul.

If you or anyone you know is experience signs of depression or feels suicidal please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1800-273-talk (8255).

I Just Ain't the Same Without You in My Life

As I write this I'm still a big, teary, snotty ball of a human. "Has something happened back home?" you wonder. Nope. "Has something happened between Little D and Boyfriend?" you might be thinking. Nope, again. What has happened is I made the mistake of watching the Will Smith movie Seven Pounds. If you haven't seen it: DON'T! I was sobbing so hard through the end of it that they were like waves rolling through my body. I'm going to spoil the movie for you if you haven't seen it, so stop reading if you don't want to know. In the end Will Smith's character is wracked with guilt over a car accident that he caused that killed seven people. To make up for what he has done he sets out to change seven good people's lives. He repays them each with a pound of flesh, which is a reference to Shakespeare's "The Merchant of Venice". In Will Smith's character's case that pound of flesh is literal as he ends up killing himself by taking a box jellyfish in to the bathtub with him. He saves seven lives through organ donation, but makes the ultimate sacrifice and repayment of his wrongs by giving up his own life in order to do so.

I thought Seven Pounds was going to be a feel good movie and it was in the sense that seven lives were saved through the sacrifice of one man, but I hadn't read much about the movie and didn't know there was a suicide in it. This week has been pretty rough because it was the two year anniversary of Uncle B's passing. I forgot on the actual date and I usually email my pseudo cousins then and let them know I'm thinking of them and their Dad and that he hasn't been forgotten one bit so I was feeling awful about that and then my little cousin tells me no one even brought up the anniversary on the actual day so I felt even worse for her and her brother. Then I got to talking to my Mom about how the anniversary had just passed and was sad realizing that two years have passed and it still doesn't seem real. So I've just been thinking about him this week and missing him and his crazy antics and missing the little cousins and feeling super bad for them and I just didn't need a suicide movie on top of it, I guess. If you're feeling sad it really isn't the movie for you!

Anyway, I'll just close this by saying that we still love you and miss you Uncle B and I wish you were still here to inspect my boyfriends for me and call me a Rugrat and yell our last name over the fence when you wanted our attention and stop in for dinner at our house unannounced whenever it suited you and make fun of some of our prissier neighbors and I wish you were still here for your two great kids because they still really needed you and would've been so stoked to have you at their soccer games and wrestling matches. We'll never forget the fun times, the laughter, or the craziness and drama you brought to our lives. Rest in peace xoxo Oh yeah and "Stussy Rat Patrol" for life/forever!

A Teenage Suicide/ Before I Go/ This is Not an Exit

I remember the first time I was affected by suicide. We had a morning surf practice and then we were going to have a tour of the local surf museum and like none of the guys showed up. I thought it was pretty rude, but figured they must have just had a big night before. We were walking through the surf museum when either the surf coach or one of the few guys that had shown up got a call. All the guys were over at Fabio’s house because is older brother had killed himself. I wasn’t friends with Fabio; I don’t think I had ever even spoken to him. My sister knew him because he was dating her best friend’s older sister. One of my friends from class was best family friends with his family and I knew that he, JB, would be very upset. They are pretty tacky and touristy now, but I remember that the surf museum had St. Christopher necklaces for sale as he is supposed to be the patron saint of stuff to do with water. Anyway, I picked one up for Fabio just to say someone is still looking out for you right now and sent it and a card to him. We went to the funeral and it was heartbreaking. The crowd was huge, standing room only and it was a very big church. This young man must have been really well liked and yet he had felt all alone in the world.

The boys on the surf team were in to Unwritten Law and used to play a few of the songs obsessively. Nae and I couldn’t drive at the time so we’d get rides to school after practice with the boys and it was there that I heard them and liked the songs they’d play on repeat so I got the CD and "Teenage Suicide" was one of the songs on there. That was a pretty rough song to hear at the time, but the killer for me was "Before I Go". Even though I didn’t really know Fabio and I had never met his brother, I just imagined what both of them had/were feeling and the song broke my heart.

Fast forward two years. I’m sitting at our dining room table trying to write my final paper ever for my AP English class when the phone rings. It’s this girl, who went to my high school and I had gone to grade school with; we used to be friends but ran in different groups once we got to MD. She was kinda crying I think when she said, “Noah has been shot; he’s dead.”

(When we were little Noah and I lived across the street from one another. We weren’t best friends, but we were close and did lots of stuff together. We had one of the only pools in the neighborhood so Noah and his brothers and sister would come over and swim. We also used to carpool together and I remember one day his parents couldn’t take us to school but I didn’t know that, my parents had left for work, and Noah and his older brother held me "hostage" because they didn’t want me to call my babysitter and ask her for a ride. I was sneaky and got to the phone though and I remember Noah’s big brother was pretty upset when a ride showed up to take us to school. Also, when we were in Kindergarten, Noah and I decided he should have a pool, too, so we spent an afternoon trying to dig one in his backyard. After grade school, Noah ended up at another local Catholic high school and I didn’t see him for nearly four years, until one afternoon when I went to pick up Nae from water polo, he was there running at the track. That had been earlier this same year and the last time I would see him.)

I started crying and said, “What are you talking about? That’s crazy.” The girl didn’t have any details so we hung up. I came outside where my Dad was watering the lawn or something and was hysterically crying at that point. He started yelling at me “What’s wrong, what’s wrong?” He was worried that something had happened to my Mom or sister because neither was at home. I told him about Noah. I went inside and called my Mom at work and she said, “Listen, it’s just a rumor at this point, there are no facts, just pray that that’s what it is, a misunderstanding, a rumor.” So I prayed and prayed, but all the while thought “this probably isn’t a rumor, he’s probably dead, but why?” At this point it was still unclear that he had killed himself. I called my old friend Chiara, I think, it’s a little fuzzy how I got more details, but it was true. Noah was dead and he had done it to himself. After that, I had to drive over to our high school to pick up Nae from a swim meet. She could see that something was wrong and asked if she should drive me. She was probably thinking it was more drama to do with my loser exbf. When I told her about Noah, she burst in to tears. Nae was a pretty guarded and tough person at this time, I don’t think I had seen her cry in years, but here she was driving and crying and asking me to tell her about it. We finally heard from our other old neighbors that he had been upset or something and said he was going out, but he hadn’t really, he just got in his car. He ended up shooting himself in the driveway of his family’s house.

The next day at school I was a mess. His rosary service was that night and somehow they were able to fix him up so he could have an open casket. I just went briefly up to see him and all I could think was that he looked exactly like his older brother, the one who had held me "hostage" all those years ago. The funeral was the next day and I think his whole class came to the funeral. We were about a month from graduating.

I became pretty deeply depressed. I had never lost someone that I loved. My friends hadn’t either so they didn’t know how to handle it and just didn’t talk about it. I cried myself to sleep most nights thinking about him. I remember writing him notes in my journal telling him how much he was missed and that I probably wasn’t the only one missing him this much and how I wish time could be turned back so he’d get a second chance to make the decision over again. I remember getting trashed the night before his birthday….I was at a concert with some friends and the loser exbf and I was underage. I passed out on the dance floor after busting some awesome dance moves, or so I’ve been told, I don’t remember dancing but I do remember laying on the ground. My friend Candy put me on a bar stool and told me not to move, of course I did. Some security guards found me and kicked me out. I threw up in some planters at Downtown Disney, just next to the "Happiest Place on Earth"- classy, I know. I also lost a thong and had to walk around with only one for the rest of the night. The next day me and some of the kids from our grade school class had a little graveside service for Noah. It was pretty painful to be at. I think for a good six months I was a mess because of it, but I tried to hide it from everyone. I still think about him now and I still visited his grave on his birthday and the day of his death when I lived in the area.

About a year and a half ago, I lost someone else to suicide. We called him Uncle B, but he wasn’t our uncle. As I got older, we used to call each other “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” and I know that sounds creepy considering I called him Uncle, but it wasn’t. Everyone thought I had a crush on him when I was little so he’d call me girlfriend to tease me and in the end it was pretty weird when he started dating someone who was only a little bit older than I was. Uncle B was this larger than life guy. He had a pretty sarcastic sense of humor and he was an asshole when he was in a bad mood, but when he was in a good mood he was on fire. He used to come over to our house all the time for dinner, just unannounced and say, “What are we having?” Very often now when I’m watching TV or a movie, someone will say something or do something and it totally reminds me of Uncle B. He left behind 3 kids and an ex-wife who was his best friend. It was really sad going back home knowing he’d never barge in to our house again or yell over the fence to us and call us Rugrats. He’s someone I will always miss and never forget. I know his son is still hurting about the loss of his Dad, he’s only in high school and it’s a rough time for any kid, and I wish I could take away some of his pain so he didn’t have to handle such a heavy load on his own. From the reports his mom gives us, sometimes I’m afraid he’s drowning in this pain and I wish that I could be there to help him swim awhile longer til it stopped hurting so much.

Even just writing this has brought back all the hurt and sadness over losing these two guys and has me crying. It doesn’t really get better, you just learn to live with it.

Life hurts so bad
Don't want you sad
Just look back to
Good times we had
I'd give my soul for you I know
Want to hold you before I go
Before I go
I need you to know
I'm still alive in you
It's my time to go
Don't stay up late
I'm not afraid
And I don't want your heart to break
I know I've seen what's been unseen
Live fast, die young
It's part of me