Now You're Just Somebody That I Used to Know

* I started this post before Christmas and never got around to finishing it until now so sorry if it seems out of the blue. I'm not in the thick of these feelings now, although there is a bit of lingering hurt, I just hated having it sit there incomplete.*

I read this quote in a magazine recently that really resonated with me. In fact, I tore it out of the magazine and now keep it on my car's dashboard as a reminder (or at least I thought I had, I just looked for it to use it here and it looks like it's become a victim of one of MOTH's car clean outs).  Basically its message was that just because you used to be friends, doesn't mean you have to continue to be friends simply because you have known each other a long time.  You should only continue to be friends with people who make a positive contribution to your life.

As I've gotten older, I've stopped being a friend collector.  At this point I feel like a person is either a good friend or they're not. Generally, I don't burn any bridges, I just let people fade into acquaintance (or less) status and I give people lots of chances.  We're all human, we all mess up sometimes and hurt the people we care about; me included, me especially sometimes it feels like.  But at some point, I do reach a breaking point and say "Enough is enough.  You've hurt me or let me down for the last time."

See, until I moved here, I didn't really know what it was like to have good girl friends. Girls who have your back 100%, girls who don't flake out on you, girls who don't gossip (at least not a lot or in a malicious way, because come on, when you are close to someone, you're bound to get on each others' nerves every once in a while and say something in frustration or the heat of the moment). I'm lucky to have found that in the girls I call friends here.  My life is pretty drama free these days, but if I were to need something, I've got a bunch of girls in my corner I know I could call for help.

From the time she was a young teenager, my sister was fortunate enough to always make really deep and awesome friendships with girls. As her life has changed, she doesn't keep in contact with all of those good friends anymore, but while they were in her life they were in her life and ready to go to bat for her and show up for her whenever she needed them. Her girls were her family when we weren't around. I was always jealous of that. Now, I have that on some level with my friends here, too.

My sister is ballsier than I will ever be in a lot of ways.  She, for example, called out someone who was being a fair weather friend.  The person made a request for her and backed it with a "do this for me because we are friends" plea and Nae flat out said to her, "No, we are not.  A friend has your back no matter what.  A friend shows up.  You are only my friend when it's convenient for you.  You are an acquaintance."  Ouch! Surely that must have stung the person a bit, but you know what?  Sometimes being a good friend is calling people on their shit.

Oh man, how I wish I could say that to a few people!  I think half of me would feel so empowered but maybe the other half of me would feel really crappy?  While saying that to her former friend/current acquaintance may have forced some re-evaluation on the acquaintance's part to try and work back towards a friendship, the people I want to say it to, it just wouldn't make a difference to.

And so I do things my way- I bite my tongue, I let myself be hurt and mourn the loss of what were once important friendships, I let my contact with that person fade, and I focus on all the people I DO have in my life that build me up.

Just because we aren't friends now, doesn't mean you weren't an important person in my life at some point.  And just because you've hurt me, doesn't mean I won't still look back fondly on a lot of the memories we made together.  While we aren't friends any more, I certainly don't want to be enemies either and I think biting my tongue and not expressing my hurt and avoiding potentially saying something that I can't take back is the best way to leave it, even if it doesn't bring any closure to things.

Guess Who's Back, Back Again? Shady's Back, Tell a Friend

I guess I actually have the best excuse in the world as to why I haven't posted in 6 months- I was out living life! So many things have changed since I last wrote but a lot of it was just normal life stuff that it really didn't need its own post.  I'll give you the overview of all that has changed since I've last been on, although sadly, I'm sure not very many people check in here anymore!

1.  I got a new car.  So glad to be done with my last p.o.s. and now I'm driving a newish Hyundai Tucson and it's comfy and fun to drive and makes my 2 hours of commuting in the car so, so, so much better!

2.  We moved!  I don't remember what the final straw was that finally broke the camel's back and lit a fire under our bum to move from Budgewoi and the little shack there- it was probably either the black mold we were finding everywhere or the fact that it was raining so much that our driveway was constantly a mud pit that did it, though.  So we moved about 30 minutes closer to Sydney.  Although it has added about 15 minutes each way to my commute, MOTH Dude's work day has shrunk by nearly 2 hours since he doesn't have to drive 20 minutes to his parents' house, drop off his car, get driven to the station in the morning and do the whole thing in reverse on his trip home at night.  Now he walks to the station or takes a short bus trip.  This has been a god send!  Plus, we love our new little house.  It's got wood floors, 3 (tiny) bedrooms, a wood burning stove, air con, and in the backyard there is a fig tree, two mandarin trees, two orange trees, and we put in a garden of tomatoes, jack-o-lantern pumpkins, basil, jalapenos, bell peppers, spaghetti squash, and corn that are all going nuts!

We're allowed a dog at this place, too, and we are starting to look at pound puppies to rescue.  I always had pets growing up, though MOTH didn't, and I feel like it doesn't feel like "home" properly until we get one.

3.  I didn't get a few more dream jobs I put in for.  Didn't even get interviews!  I'm still at the same place and still not loving it.  The work is fine, I've gotten a way thicker skin and don't even get angry or upset when people are screaming down the phone line at me, what I can't deal with is the office politics.  I put in an application to get in to an Emerging Leaders Program and got rejected.  I asked for feedback and it was very general overview type of stuff, no specifics as to what was wrong with my application to keep me from at least getting interviewed.  I'm using the feedback constructively though and am working to prove I deserve to be in the program this next year.  I also hear I get a very good pay raise in July and because we are able to take leave at half pay, I already have enough leave accrued to take off 6 weeks for the wedding in September/October.  Because I'll continue to accrue days off between now and then, I plan on taking a day off per month on those months where there aren't other public holidays for mental health days-this should improve my mood significantly!

4.  MOTH Dude and I are both in weddings (other than ours) this year!  MOTH is best man for his old uni friend the Red Head and I'm doing bridesmaid duties for my friend I've spoken about before, LC!  We're very excited for both couples getting married.  After us in September, pretty much all of our friends will be married, at least all of our Aussie friends, and we will officially be old!  Haha!

5. I read a quote in September that said something along the lines of "The time you've known a person shouldn't be the only reason you consider them a friend" and then the blurb went on to say you should only keep friendships that enrich you.  I really took this to heart and evaluated a dying friendship that I had been holding on to and decided it was time to let it go.  I didn't contact the person and have some big dramatic scene.  I just chose to stop reaching out and tellingly, that person hasn't contacted me since September, either, so I feel more justified letting go. That's not to say that the whole thing wasn't or hasn't been painful but I gave myself a bit of time to mourn the loss and then I got on with it.  Now rather than focus on the loss, I focusing on all the amazing people I DO have in my life and whom I CAN count on.  We recently put together our address list for the wedding and it's pretty overwhelming and amazing to see, in numbers, just how many people we have that love us.

6.  More wedding stuff-I just returned from a super short and super expensive trip to California.  I was over from December 30th until the 12th of January.  In that time, we celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years all on one night, celebrated my Dad's 60th birthday, and got TONS of wedding stuff done.  My sister, Nae, was also in town and we hadn't seen each other in nearly two years so it was awesome to get that time with her.  Even though neither one of us is a girly girl, she really stepped up in to her maid of honor/horror role and was there with me through all the boring planning stuff.  We didn't even fight, we might have had a snippy moment or two, but there was no fights so maybe she missed me as much as I missed her or maybe we're just more diplomatic as we've gotten older and have learned to bite our tongues unless it really matters.

She and my Mom came dress shopping with me and we found the One!  (I won't post a picture of it in case MOTH Dude stops by here, but you can google it, it's Casablanca 1827 and I'm getting cap sleeves put on it and putting a belt around the middle of it.)  I love it and it was right in my budget. We also found the bridesmaid dresses and a dress for Mom and they are going to look great!  I kept MOTH Dude's Mom in the loop during planning as she only has the two boys and mother of the groom doesn't get a lot of fun jobs and when I sent her a dress she said it made her teary eyed and I was going to look beautiful.  That was really special for me to hear.

7.  Nae is dating a South African!!  They seem really well suited to each other- they like cooking and organic gardening and getting outdoors on adventures.  He seems like he treats her really well and has an amazing family who has taken her in already.  I think we are all nervous that we will lose her to South Africa, as well.  It is still early days, but I think he might be a keeper!  We are hoping he'll be able to get off of work to come to the wedding and that maybe even his parents will want to come out and party with us.  I'm not sure if he deserves a blog name or not yet, but I thought of a good one-I'm calling him PBJ since he has three names between his first and middle names and the initials are nearly the same and I'm sure, like Aussies, South Africans aren't huge fans of the PB&J sandwich combo.

MOTH Dude and I plan on taking a mini moon to Mexico for a week after the wedding and then we're saving up to head to South Africa to hang with Nae and safari in 2013!

Then we'll be really, really old and have to start thinking about terrifying stuff like having kids and what not...so glad to have another year and a half to prepare myself mentally for that challenge!

Anyway, I think that's everything.  I'll try and be more frequent in my posting.  We do have exciting things coming up so hopefully I'll have fun things to write about.  Plus, I still have about 15 recipes I'd love to share with you guys, but I've been slacking on my own food photo taking so I may just have a post with links to the recipes I've found and loved and how to tweak them to make them even better.

Happy Australia Day for Thursday! xx

I Hope You Had the Time of Your Life

Just recently Bun's little sister Mini-Bun posted her Prom pictures and gosh did that make me feel really, really old! Mini-Bun was 9, maybe 10, when we graduated from high school so it's surprising how fast the end of her own Senior year has snuck up on us. Mini-Bun looked stunning and like a true California surfer girl on her big day. She looked stylish and effortless and that's due to the fact that I believe she did her own hair and makeup and reused a dress from a previous dance. Who does that?! Who is that cool at 17-18 to say, "Hey Mom, it's cool, I don't need a new dress to the big dance because I've got one that I've already used that will work great again"? Mini-Bun=Awesome!

Seeing her Prom pictures and coupled with the fact that I just saw a friend's Facebook page that is still covered with pics of her and her old high school crew got me thinking about my own Prom night and what a blast it was. I had been to 3 other dances over the 4 years of high school and all of them were awkward/awful. As a freshman I went to the Homecoming dance with a boy I had gone to grade school with. He didn't go to my same high school and I didn't know anyone there and we hadn't seen each other in 6 months so we didn't have a lot to talk about and I can't remember if we danced or not. As a junior I thought I was asking a cute guy I had met once to the dance and my friends were going to ask his friends so we could all go in a group. They never got around to actually asking the friends so there I was again with a guy I didn't really know, but luckily he was friends with my sisters boyfriend at the time so we kindof hung with them for the night. We left as soon as we were allowed to and went back to Bun's house. At this point I kind of liked the guy, but he didn't seem to be paying enough attention for my liking. So I decided to get drunk for the first time in my life off some blue koolaid and vodka concoction that Bun and her cousin had whipped up. I ended up drinking way too much and acting like a complete tool, even saying I was going to jump off the balcony on to Bun's Mom's Navigator (3 feet) below! (What did I think I was going to accomplish, a sprained ankle?? Haha, so dramatic! I still can not talk to Bun's cousin without her bringing up "I'm going to jump on the Navi" without fail, soooooo not fun introducing her to new people, especially new boyfriends who always got to hear the story, too!) (P.S. Sorry Mom for getting drunk at 16 and you not knowing until now. I guess there is a reason for the legal drinking age not to be 16!) So the dance date took off and we never spoke again because he didn't want to deal with that kind of bullshit, rightly so. The next dance I went to was Homecoming my senior year. I thought I was going in a small group of the cool kids, but turns out it was more like the top 100 coolest kids, and me and my date didn't get an invite to their after party...ouch! I also hated my shoes, wasn't a huge fan of my dress, none of my real friends were at the dance, and my date was the Loser ExBoyfriend who didn't go to the school.

Finally, finally, for senior Prom everything came together. We partied with the football boys every weekend and I sat next to one of the team captains in Math that year and we really hit it off. We had made out one weekend (sorry, again, Mom, and it was just making out), but really only because Bun had left us alone downstairs at her house and I was too young and dumb to say "No" to a popular boy. I mean, he didn't force me or anything, that's not what I'm saying, but I would've been happy not to make out with him that night, too. Anyway, so all of us decide we should go as a group and hire a limo, do pictures together, then have an after party at someone's house. The Team Captain asked me by bringing me two different bouquets at lunch one day and I was excited to be going with him because we were really good friends by then and the Loser ExBF was out of the picture for the moment.

The night of Prom I was running late because Nae wanted to follow us over to where we were going to be taking pictures beforehand to have her pictures done there, too, but her friend was running late and I finally just had to go. I got there and the Team Captain was pretty pissed because picture time was over and we had to leave and he and I only got a snap or two before jumping in the limo, but as we were taking those few quick snaps he said something really nice- "that I looked so beautiful, I was worth the wait"...awwww!

On the ride over to the Long Beach Convention Center, we laughed and talked and had a good time and then one of the boy's pulled out a bong, nicknamed Snoop Bong, and started taking huge rips off of it. Me, Bun, and Candie (another old friend whom I've only briefly wrote about to chronicle the demise of our friendship) just thought it was hilarious, but the other girls in the group who we weren't really close to were spazzing out and saying we were all going to get contact highs or wreak of pot smoke and not be allowed in to the dance (and they were the types of girls who had those huge, poofy princess dresses so smoke probably could've hid up under one of their layers or something) so the guy put the bong away. As we walked in to the dance, we took our couples photo and group photo. The picture of me and the Team Captain is a great one- I am standing with my back to his chest and just as they were taking the picture the Team Captain whispered something really naughty in to my ear that made me laugh and that is our picture- him with a big smile and me mid-laugh. I also got a great picture with Nae- we are both in our fancy black dresses and I had her jump up in to my arms like I was a groom carrying her across the threshold.

The rest of the dance I had a great time running around and chatting with people and taking pictures with friends I was only going to see for two more weeks of school. The Team Captain was in fine form, having mixed some Shrooms in with his Mac n Cheese when we got to the dance and he was super funny to hang with. We had one dance that night and not being a dancer that was enough for me and the Team Captain being the charmer he is danced with tons of girls the whole night and it was nice to not be with a boyfriend where I'd have to care or be jealous if he spent the night dancing with other girls.

Prior to the dance, the Team Captain and I told people if they couldn't think of anyone to write for Prom King and Queen, vote us. I thought it was a bit of a joke because I was pretty anti school spirit. A lot of people in my homeroom thought it was funny so they put us down. Well, a friend of my sister's was on the dance committee or student council had come up to her a few days before the dance and told her that we had enough votes to make it on to the court, but I guess with school politics we somehow didn't make it on the ballot. Didn't matter in the end, the two nicest kids from our class won it and I thought that was pretty great.

At the end of the night we piled back in to the limo and headed out to a ritzy community in the hills above Newport Beach to spend the night at the Co-Captain's (and Bun's date) house. I must have been pretty tired because I don't remember much from the night. I got upstairs early to claim a couch because Princess D doesn't really do well sleeping on floors. After I had gotten in my pajamas, the Team Captain came upstairs and asked me if we were going to hook up that night. I said "No" and he, ever the gentleman, asked if it was okay if he went and hooked up with someone else! I said "Sure, go for it, good luck!" or something to that effect and then the Team Captain proceeded to whip out his guitar and serenade me with this reggae song that I loved how he sung before going off to fulfill all of his stereotypical Prom night fantasies. It was really, really nice and honestly, I thought it was a perfect night and a perfect Prom. I had fun, I looked good, there was no stress, and I got to spend it with all the people who meant the most to me at that point in my life.

So, did reading this bring back any fun or funny dance memories for any of you? Did anyone lose their virginity in the back of a limo or the back of a Ford Fiesta that night? Did you love what you wore? Hate what you wore? Go with someone your regretted or your future spouse? What was the highlight or lowlight for you that night?

Forgive and Forget

I had a really good friend, Candy, in high school. She was a cool chick, always down for a good time or for going to a show and was fiercely loyal to her friends. We were friends up until I left for Australia and I was really going to miss her and hoped that she’d come out to visit me and Bun.

A few months before I left she started hanging out with this guy who was friends with people I knew from the surf shop. I didn’t know him at all, we talked online sometimes, just about Candy and our mutual friends. He’s in some band that has had their songs play on MTV and stuff but this was before they really started touring or doing shows. I didn’t message him to start with, he messaged me I’m pretty sure. The only time I met him was at mine and Bun’s going away dinner when Candy brought him as her date. He seemed nice and cool and I continued to talk to him online, but I didn’t have a crush on him or consider him a good friend or have any kind of ulterior motives for our acquaintance.

Candy ended up telling me something that I felt she should tell this guy. She didn’t think so, but from what he had told me about the two of them, I thought he should know. Now, looking back, even 5 minutes after I did it I thought it- I should’ve given her the chance to tell him or given her an ultimatum like if she didn’t tell him, I would, but I didn’t. To this day she thinks I was in the wrong for saying anything at all to him, but I still feel like I should’ve, just in a different way or talked her in to doing it herself since it was really her business.

I know that is all really vague and it makes me sound like an awful friend. If I said what the issue was, maybe more people would agree with what I had done, but I don’t want to say because I wouldn’t want to hurt Candy all over again about it. The bottom line is just this thing happened between us and it changed everything.

She called me to tell me she knew I had told the guy the thing and was pissed. I apologized and I meant it and I thought that that was that but, we stopped talking after that. I didn’t go home for that first year. I don’t think I tried to see her that Christmas, but I did try and see her that next summer when I was home. She agreed to meet then backed out at the last minute. We didn’t talk for another year and a half and then we started messaging back and forth on AIM and it seemed like maybe we had gotten over stuff.

After I got back from Hawaii, she suggested I come over and see her new place and have a hang out. I went and it was just awkward. I felt like she didn’t really want me there, even though SHE had been the one to call me. When her roommate came home, she pretty much ignored me to talk to this girl she saw everyday. I didn’t like her roommate and her roommate didn’t like me. I was saying something about the flight to Sydney being 14 hours or something and the roommate was like “How can that be when it takes like 10 to get to Hawaii from here.” I said, “No, it doesn’t, it takes like 6 to get to Hawaii.” She gave me this look like “Right, I don’t believe you, what do you know?” And I said, “Look, I just got back from Hawaii like 2 days ago, I know how long the flight is.” She then gave Candy this look like “Back me up (even though I’ve never been to Hawaii and neither have you and this girl has) it takes 10 hours to get there.” And Candy just said, “I don’t know.”

After the roommate went in to her room our conversation started flowing and it was turning out to be a fun night. Then the incident that changed everything came up. She told me how she had told, or had in as many words told, a bunch of people that were mutual friends that she hated me. It really shocked me, I knew she was mad, but I didn’t know she HATED me. I felt awful. I started crying because no one has ever said they’ve hated me before. I left shortly thereafter and it was kindof an uncomfortable goodbye, we said we’d meet up again before I left but I really didn’t want to and I ended up not seeing her again.

I didn’t hear from her again for 6 months. Then she messaged me to say she was moving to Australia. We had talked about this when I was at her house and I had advised her that moving to Australia can be very lonely and it’s not at all what you would expect. I knew her, or at least what she had been like for 5 years, and I knew she needed a big support group around her, like friends and her family, and here you are removed from all that. I suggested she move to a new city first to give living away from everyone a try. I also found it weird that she had “randomly” decided to move to Australia out of everywhere in the world. I don’t know if she wanted to prove it to me and Bun and everyone else that knew we had moved here that she was tough enough to do it too or what. Out of the blue I got a message from her on MySpace saying she was moving to Australia, but don’t worry “not my part of Australia”-Sydney, which if I have a “part” of Australia, I’d consider Sydney as within its range. Anyway, she asked if I had any advice for her.

I didn’t write her back. She suggested in the email that we should let the past be the past and I agreed, just not the in the way she thought. I just figured my life was here and in Santa Cruz now, not in Orange County so I’d let our friendship be in the past, too. I don’t think we would’ve hung out together heaps if I had written back, but I just didn’t want to be involved. My not replying wasn’t malicious; I just thought it was what was the best thing for me. Sometimes I ask Bun how she’s doing here and I hear she’s pretty miserable (probably off and on as living in a different country is always a roller coaster), I don’t think she’ll be making a permanent move out here, but I guess now she can tell everyone she’s done it?