Saturday, June 27, 2009

Unity, As One Stand Together

So really, who knew it was going to be this hard to find a job?? Back home I see that others my age are in a similar situation...moving back in with parents and working shitty retail jobs until the economy changes and they can find work in the field they got degrees in. Living in a foreign country and being jobless and slowly running out of money comes with its own challenges. Mainly how do I continue to live in that foreign country without much money and what to do about the boy I've fallen in love with?

Boyfriend and I are your typical first children...we strive to please our parents and avoid doing things that would disappoint them. That is, until now. We are also both fairly traditional people for our age. We had always said through four years of dating that we didn't want to live together before marriage. After discussing it for a few months and my bank account shrinking further and further, we realized that we didn't want our relationship to have to end because I was having trouble finding a job. Why should we be punished personally just because I was suffering financially? Things between us have been going well and we don't want it to end until we've exhausted all of our possibilities.

Boyfriend struggled and stressed trying to work up the courage to tell his parents that he was moving out and in with me. He put it off until the very last minute, the day I had to tell my real estate agents if I'd be moving out. He did it and it didn't go over very well. His Dad said he didn't and wouldn't accept it and he said his Mom didn't say much. It was horrible for Boyfriend and he was really upset. I felt really bad for him, but also was thankful that he had gone through with it and obviously really wanted me to stay.

I told Nae before I told my parents. I wanted to wait to tell them until after Boyfriend had told his parents, just to make sure it was really, really happening. Well Nae didn't know this and was telling our godsisters about it and my Mom overheard. Nae says her reaction was "What??!!" Followed by "She's a big girl. She can make her own decisions/mistakes" When I spoke to her on the phone, she said it isn't what she and my Dad want for us, but Boyfriend and I are both adults and it is our decision to make.

Other than that conversation my parents have been fairly quiet on the issue. Last night we went to Boyfriend's parent's house and I felt like I had been ambushed. We were having a quick dinner there and then all headed out to see a family friend perform in a play. Once again, our situation was brought up and we were told how much they didn't like it and that if she was my Mom she'd want me home and I'm just not finding a job. Boyfriend stood up for us again. When she left the room, I was quietly crying. Then she popped back in to the room to announce to us that even though she had asked us whether or not we planned to get married, to not get excited about that either, because she didn't think we were ready and basically it wasn't her condoning that idea either! Then she left again and I broke down crying. I asked Boyfriend if we could just go home and he said he wished we could, he wished we hadn't gone over there at all, and that he really didn't want to disappoint the family friend by not being there (especially as our seats were in the front row) so he gave me a kiss and told me how sorry he was and I wiped off my face and put on a neutral face for the rest of the night.

There had been discussion last night, as well, about how Boyfriend was going to get to the train station each morning. They don't want him leaving the pick-up truck at the station and I don't have insurance so I can't drive it to drop him off and pick him up. They said they'd be picking it up this (Sunday) afternoon. Boyfriend does have his own car, but it's a classic car from the 1960s, and sad to say it but the area is so ghetto that he's afraid it'll get vandalized if he leaves it there while he is at work. So it's 9:30 Sunday morning here and I'm waiting til about 11am to try and call Croc and some of our other friends to see if they have any old bombs that we could rent from them each week for now just to be driven to the station and back each morning. Boyfriend is even talking about riding his bike to the station in the morning (no idea how many miles that even is and considering it's winter, it would not be a fun ride at 6am).

We get it, they don't like the situation, they're going to make it hard on us, hoping that we will give up and Boyfriend will come home. I really hated that I had to be a part of the reason that Boyfriend's parents were disappointed with him. Boyfriend is still really bummed about the whole thing but strong in his conviction that he wants me here and wants to be with me. I told him to look on the bright side of all this; that I guess it meant his parents really love him and can't bear the thought of him not living with them anymore.

My parents said to me before I left, about being out of school and really being on my own for the first time, that this point in your life is supposed to be uncomfortable and a struggle. They weren't saying it in a mean way, just that this is the time when you really find out who you are and figure out how to make your life work for you. Boyfriend and I are in the struggle right now for sure. We've got each other's back. I hope that we make it out the other side of the struggle and will be devastated if we don't.

Kind words, thoughts, and prayers are much appreciated right now.


  1. Just found your blog, I'm glad I did, too. Sounds like you need more friends and tons (or is that tonne?) of support. Stick to your guns! Do NOT get married until it is right for you. Even if your current bf IS Mr. Right, if you aren't where you want to be in life - and you may never be - then the "parent's" just gotta accept it. Hey, let me tell you a funny one. I'm 40 (was 36 at the time this happened), and hubby was 21. I'd been married for 12 yrs ( and I DO know what it's like to be pressured into marriage by family, and look what happened) anyway, I was divorced, 36, about to move here and marry hubby and my dad up and has a conniption fit because hubby did NOT ask my dad for my hand in marriage! How dated is that I ask you? Ok, so people still do it, but being divorced, technically hubby should ask ex-hubby for my hand in marriage. Yeah, this is according to Miss Manners, so I told my dad to stuff it. Some parents will always try to treat you like a child. Don't revert to childish ways around them, even if you AND your bf must use a bit of moxie and and be a little forceful. Lay down some ground rules. BF's mom must NOT give you a hard time. BF MUST stick up for you and support them you and he are separate beings, no longer children and deserving of respect, not childish tantrums because you wont' conform to their wishes. best of luck to you..if you need to chat, you should have my blog and email address once I post this. Take Care, Kimmie

  2. Kimmie, thanks for the support!
    I DO feel like we are ready to get married (but only once I have a job and have some of my own money, as well, to contribute) and I'm not feeling the pressure on that. But that pressure has been pretty strong to not move in together and for me just to move back to California and forget that Boyfriend and I are in love and that this is potentially for life. Like I said, I'm fairly traditional so I'd like Boyfriend to ask my Dad for my hand and I know if we do get married, he'd like to ask my Dad, too.
    I agree, some parents will always treat their children like children no matter their age so we have both confronted the issue as rationally as possible. We didn't ask our parents permission we informed them of OUR decision and then we respected their opinions that they don't like the situation and let them air their grievances.
    At the end of the day, it is still hard for us because we really do love and respect our parents. Emotional blackmail will not work, though, in this situation and that is why I was up at 5am to help Boyfriend get ready for work and then he was off to leave his car at Croc's garage and hop on a train from that location. When a spanner was thrown in to our plans, we didn't give up, we found an alternative!
    Thanks so much for sharing your situation with me and thanks for writing your thoughts about my situation and yours on your own blog. It felt pretty cool to have a post on someone else's blog based on me!


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