And I'm Sure the View from Heaven Beats the Hell Out of Mine Here...You Won't Be Coming Back and I Didn't Get to Say Good Bye

Very late last night/early this morning, MOTH and I got in from hanging out with our friends for the last time before we leave for the States. He had a little bit of work he wanted to finish and I wasn't tired so I decided to look at one of my wedding websites. In one of the real wedding posts, a girl had on a dress I liked so I clicked on the link to the shop where she bought it and this song came on:

I hadn't heard it in years, but it immediately reminded me of my 8th grade graduation because it was the song we walked in and out of the church to. For whatever reason it got me thinking about my friend Noah and I hadn't really thought of him in months so I tried to google his name because it used to bring up a picture of him from right before he died. Whoever used to have the picture on their blog, must have taken it down or closed their blog because it didn't come up this time so I did a general search of Noah's name and as soon as I saw the first link related to him I burst out crying. I was so freaked out because the text from the link said Noah Oct 3 1984-April 17 2002-9 years ago today! I couldn't believe the coincidence or the timing of it all. I also couldn't believe that it had been 9 whole years since we lost him.

MOTH and I stayed up even later, just lying in bed and talking about Noah and a friend MOTH had who died under similar circumstances when he was 13, and about all that lost potential and wondering what our friends would be like today had they made it to 29 and 26, rather than ending it all at 14 and 17. I still count April 18 2002 as one of the worst days of my life and even though the shock of the coincidence from this morning has left me a bit sad today, I feel like I am finally moving on from his death. The wound is no longer so fresh and raw. While I hate his decision, I realize he didn't make it in a rational or sane state of mind, and I think that I have finally accepted it and that he is gone.

Although it has taken me a long time to get to this point and it is a good place to be, now I feel a bit scared. Scared because I'm afraid of forgetting him. Scared because I'm getting older and he'll forever be 17. Scared because I'm moving forward, while he let himself get stuck in a moment. Scared because if I'm starting to forget him, who else is forgetting him or has forgotten him already? I guess I needn't be scared, though, because even if I don't think about him as often as I used to, it doesn't mean I don't love him any less than I did then and I'll always hold a piece of him in my heart. And although I totally don't believe in that kind of stuff, maybe he is looking out for me somehow and gave me a little subconscious poke that brought him in to my mind today, on this particular day of all days?

I'll leave you with a video and the lyrics to a song I used to listen to on repeat right after he died:

Yellowcard "View from Heaven"

I'm just so tired
Won't you sing me to sleep
And fly through my dreams
So I can hitch a ride with you tonight
And get away from this place
Have a new name and face
I just ain't the same without you in my life

Late night drives, all alone in my car
I can't help but start
Singing lines from all our favorite songs
And melodies in the air
Singin' life just ain't fair
Sometimes I still just can't believe you're gone

And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven,
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here

Feel your fire,
When its cold in my heart
And things sorta start
Remindin' me of my last night with you
I only need one more day
Just one more chance to say
I wish that I had gone up with you too

And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here
You won't be comin' back
And I didn't get to say goodbye (goodbye)
I really wish I got to say goodbye

And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
I hope that all is well in heaven (well in heaven)
Cuz it's all shot to hell down here (we need you)
I hope that I find you in heaven
Cuz I'm so...
Lost without you down here

You won't be coming back
And I didn't get to say goodbye (goodbye)
I really wish I got to say gooooodbye